As he neared Commander Peak, Mask's eyes narrowed into a glare. His leathery wings glided without a sound through the windless air. Beneath him the grey ground, a mixture of dust and jagged rocks, seemed to blur.
The entire camp was huge, stalagmite-looking rocks. Creatures and bats of all kinds were either fluttering around or roosting on their perch. Mask tried not to inhale too deeply, he knew from countless previous visits that this was one of the dirtiest places on the island. Even so, the scent of dirty, overworked bodies filled his nostrils.
All around him, winged creatures returning from the morning's training flew around. Mask had to dive and tuck in his wings more than once. Most creatures knew already not to cross his path; but one smaller bat, a food collector, made the mistake of flying in front of him. Mask snarled and snapped. To his delight, he tore a tiny piece of it's wing membrane off in his teeth. The bat shrieked and flew away as fast as its wings could carry it.
Nearby creatures veered further away from him, some stared, but Mask ignored them. His eyes were focused on the rock in front of him. Commander Peak. His teeth bared at the sight of it. But he had to go.
Mask swooped upward to reach the peak. He flared his wings as a preparation to slow his descent. As soon as he dropped to all fours he heard another set of wing beats. These ones were bigger though. Mask looked up, a huge winged creature hovered in front of him. It glared at him with slit eyes before it set itself down in front of Mask. It wasn't often Mask saw something bigger than him; at four feet long, he was big, even for his species. But he wasn’t surprised to see it either. The creature’s name was Recbeak- a name which suited him perfectly. He had an extremely long beak that resembled a salt-water crocodile. It extended out as long as one of Mask’s wings and heightened at the end. It reached all the way to over Recbeak’s eyes and finally stopped as sharp horns on the back of his head.
“Report,” Recbeak boomed.
Mask had to resist the urge to pin his ears back at the sharpness of his voice. “Well, the new squadron is doing good . . .” he said, trying to avert his eyes from Recbeak’s furious gaze.
“I want to know about the food,” Recbeak snarled. He took one menacing step toward Mask.
“I-I” Mask stuttered.
“What is your report lieutenant Mask?” Recbeak’s razor-sharp teeth were dangerously close to Mask’s face.
“There is . . . no food,” Mask cringed as Recbeak roared angrily.
“What!”
“We searched all the way up to the border and found nothing. All the prey we haven’t eaten yet has fled.”
“Search harder.”
“We just came back from a two day’s search. My unit is exhausted.”
“You are to call me ‘sir’ when you speak!”
“But-”
“That is an order!”
“Fine. ‘Sir’.” Mask wanted to wrinkle his nose, but thought better of it.
“Good. Now, go out and bring back some meat!”
“Sir, I repeat, my unit is exhausted. We haven’t had anything to eat in three days,”
“I didn’t mean your unit,” Recbeak said.
“Me?” Mask stared at him in confusion.
“Yes, you!”
“But sir-”
“Go or you will die!” Recbeak snapped, opening his massive wings and huge jaws.
Mask swallowed, turned, and took flight. He didn’t bother to look over his shoulder as he flew further and further away.
___________________________________________
What do you think? 
End of chapter
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I always love animal fantasy books, especially ones about small animals, so when I stumble don yours, I was pretty happy.
This was a good example of what to do. It helps the story flow better at the same time.So, onto the review!
Mask seems a bit of a, well, jerk. It's just a nitpick of mine, but when a guy smiles because he tore a bit of wing, then you should stay away from him. I don't know if you meant for him to be unlikeable or not. If you did for character development reasons or something else, that's totally fine.
The island of bats kind of reminds me of the Great Tree in Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Sweet. Your style looks like a mix between Lasky's and Kenneth Oppel's. But still, your own sor of voice begins to show up too.
You don't have much description, and if my dad read this, he'd be completely unable to tell they were bats. (Trust me here. I let him read my manuscript, and it took him twenty pages to figure out an MC changed a bit of his last name.)
You seem to have done a fair bit of worldbuilding here too. It's nice to know that somebody has decided what part of the island is which..
Just one more nitpick, I wouldn't put all of Recbeak's information on appearance and personality in one paragraph. Just sneak things in there, like this.
So, yeah. I LOVE the animal fantasy idea and the lack of food sounds like a plot real animals could have, thus making your book more believable.
This sounds really good. It kinda reminds me of the Silverwing, Sunwing, Firewing series which was also written form the perpective of bats. You wouldn't have happened to read any of them?
Regardless, I really like the begining of the story.
few nitpicks
"that this was one of the dirtiest places on the island. Even so, the scent of dirty, overworked bodies filled his nostrils."
You should probably change the word dirty to something else since you used it in earlier in the sentence.
Mask seems a bit of an unlikeable character but if that is what you set out to portray him as then its good
but apart from that tiny nitpick, it's very good and flows well (something I personally need to work on)
On a tiny note, maybe add somemore description?
Keep writing
Halycon
Hi Vanadis,
I really like this prologue and I can't wait for more. I can see that I've been beaten to the nit-picking so I'm not going to bother. Like I said before I like the story especially the way you make Mask seem so big and important then you show that he is not the most important. I hope that makes sense and when you put up more can you PM me please?
Thanks
Midnightread
Hiya Pretty Crazy!
So, you posted in my thread, and here I am!
First of all: Wow. Bats! This is a really great idea, in my opinion. Bats, being nocturnal, have a sort of secret life that we mostly guess at. It's refreshing to see a story about them.
You've got some good groundwork laid, what with the bats having a military hierarchy. The lack of food sets up a believable plot.
One of my main things here is that you have a lot of commas where there should be semicolons or periods. For example:
Also, I'm having problems with repeating Mask's name over and over and over. Give him some distinguishing qualities, and name him in that manner sometimes. I don't know much about your character, so I can't do too many suggestions. You mentioned he's a lieutenant, so you can call him "the lieutenant" sometimes. Or "the very large bat." There's always something you can say that can only mean that character.
I like Recbeak. He sounds like a pretty interesting character. Develop him as well. Right now, I know a bit more about him than I do Mask! So, yeah...make sure you do some character building before you edit.
I've read along the other reviews, and they've got a lot of good points as well. Take what advice you think will be helpful. I want to see you edit this and add more. I really like what you've got so far.
If you have any more questions, or if you think there's a point I haven't hit, or an idea I have hit that you want more info on, throw me a PM.
'Till then, keep up the great work!
Take care!
~Freyja
You are the lucky recipient of my 100th review. On with it then.
3 issues here. First, if part of the bat's wing membrane is ripped off I doubt it would be able to fly away. Unbalanced it would just spin as it fell. Secondly, bats have very good navigation with their echolocation and can easily avoid each other. Thirdly, it's only a few sentences in and he's already crossed the moral event horizon. If you want the reader to identify with this character, that's not something you want to do, and makes for a trite villain also if that's what you had in mind. Frankly I was hoping Recbeak would give him a slow painful death, and I can't see him being redeemed. If it were a book I'd put it down because that's not the sort of character I'd like to read about.
Later on we find out he's a lieutenant. That's an officer rank. If this is modeled around human military, Mask would struggle to get beyond private with his attitude. Crippling another soldier on their side is not something a lieutenant would be able to get away with - especially unprovoked like this.
It wasn't everyday is a bit of a cliched line.
You were doing a good job of showing Mask's fear of Recbeak up until this point. Even though he didn't wrinkle his nose, he considered it, which is enough to make me think he isn't really scared, but just doesn't want the hassle.
Almost missed this one. Not many animals can sweat so try googling it.
Very good so far.
It vaguely reminds me of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole series. I would give you some things to fix, but... I believe everything's already been covered...
Great story! Keep it up!
Sorry I couldn't be much of a help.
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
I think this would sound better if you said 'As he neared Commander Peak, Mask's eyes narrowed into a glare'.
There should be a comma after report.
Well, I liked your story very much, you included many descriptions and some dialogue too. At first I thought Mask was the kind that you didn't want to mess with, you managed to make it seem that he was actually scared of Recbeak.
Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!
Hiya! Classy here! Let us begin.
This sentence does not make sense, the 'even for his species' part. If you were talking about a species that was big, like elephants, then it would make sense. But he is only four feet tall, you would say something more like: "at four feet tall, he was big for his species."
This makes sense, because you are saying that he is big for a small kind of animal.
The comma should be a period.
Okay, well that's all I caught!
Characters
Wow, I am in love with them already.
Mask. For one, I love that name. It seems to fit his personality, since he hides his face from the larger bat. Though, when you were describing him, he sounded more like an animal. You said he 'lands on all fours' well bats don't have four legs. They have wings, and on the end of those wings are claws, but when they land they don't land on them. They grab onto something with their feet.
RecBeaks. The kind of character you need for this story. I am so excited you made this character come out so soon. Because now you didn't necessarily introduce adventure fully, you gave us a hint it's coming. I am excited to read more.
Plot
I really like it. I think something great is going to happen. The only thing I have to comment on about this is your setting. Is it an island? A trench? A cave? Where is this? It is on a peak, yes, but what is the rest of it? Sand? Dirt? Dried land? You need to tell us that.
Also, all the flying creatures. You need to describe them. Have you seem Avatar? Do they look like those flying creatures? Are they colourful? Black? Ugly? You need to tell us this. I hope you do soon.
Keep writing this. It seems original and exciting!
Classy
Ciao Pretty Crazy. ^_^
needs to be 'Report,' [comma] Recbeak boomed.I rather like the point of view - from bats. ^_^ It brings to mind Brian Jacques and Redwall; and you take it in stride, you know. There's nothing awkward or overdone in the way you've presented your characters. Which is bloody brilliant, honestly, as often writers who tell tales of animals make it either impossible to tell what it is one is reading about, or they smash one's face in it.
Anyhow, in the area of grammar and punctuation: check your dialogue.
Er, you've a few comma splices as well in the beginning exposition; but 'tis proofreading work.
Though you did present it all well, there's an abruptness in how quickly we're turned over to the confrontation between Mask and Recbeak. In the cast of setting up your tale, as well as your world, I'd say you've missed a bloody good place to both paint Mask more fully (give him thoughts, memories, reactions), and to give your setting a backstory. It needn't be boldfaced gratuitous.
But why is Mask coming back? It would be easy enough to slip in a foreshadowing of how irritable Recbeak will be with him. Why do the other bats dodge him, yet he acts such a cringing coward before Recbeak?
Oy, it is just a start. It's even, as it is - but wobbly; and the transitions between exposition, character action and dialogue, are abrupt. If you told a bit more from Mask's impressions of things, I think it would smooth it neatly. ^_^
PM me, da? if you've questions.
IMP